A closed book that made sense

Dear love of my life,

It is true that I am no longer the sixteen year old that fell in love with you, but there is just no way I can simply shut my eyes and ignore the past six years of my life just because it would be the mature thing to do. That said, we both understand that we would have to face this at some point and that this period of our lives would come to an end, and it is but natural that I am overcome by grief and that I take my time to heal.
When you met me, I was a wide-eyed curious teenager with raging hormones, looking forward to the adventures that life was to throw my way. I was a plain block of granite begging to be carved, and you were an eager and unexperienced young sculptor. We fell in love quickly and we fell hard. I did not hesitate to give you my heart and soul and body and be completely yours as you vowed to be completely mine, and from then on we buckled up and went on the most incredible joyride, full speed. We got lost, we found our way, we enjoyed the view, and we cherished the fun. There were bumps in the road, some sharp turns, and some unplanned twists here and there that left us bruised and scarred, but it was an amazing ride nonetheless.
During that time you were the person I would go to with every little problem I had. We had our special time when we shut down the outside world and existed only for each other, and we lived in this love bubble where nothing could harm us. The sound of your voice soothed me immensely and the sight of you made me feel safe and secure. When you touched me I felt your love running through us like an electric current, and when you held me it felt like home. We understood each other on a level that not everyone could comprehend. We existed in sync, in the same frequency. We were the perfect match in every way, shape, and form. We loved and trusted each other unconditionally and not even lust or jealousy could cloud our feelings.
Then you burnt me.
You burnt me and reduced me to ashes. Well, what is love but giving a stranger the power to wreck you while trusting that they won’t? I rose above it, a flaming bird with my wings spread wide, ready to fly and burning with revenge. I was careless with my fire and I burnt you, too. The fine line between love and resentment was a tightrope miles from the ground without a safety net, and on it we went round and round in a vicious cycle of back-stabbing and finger-pointing.

When you care about someone, few things are as noble as forgiveness. Although our romantic relationship was officially over, we still found common ground, and God’s sense of humor made our lives intertwine with an intensity that neither of us was prepared for. I opened all my doors to you, literally. My city became our city, my friends became our friends, and my room became our room. The togetherness we desired while in love had finally been achieved, at the wrong time. But we made the best of it… We talked and we resolved our issues. We learned and we grew. We made love when we wanted and we held each other when necessary. Everything just felt natural.
Then you left.
But you see, you had an escape; You returned to your safe haven, to a place where you could shut me down and put our past behind you. My safe haven, however, had been impregnated by your presence. Every single thing that was present in my life was a constant reminder of the greatest love story I ever lived, from the skyline of this city to the darkness of my closet. When I ran into friends they asked me about you. When I was hanging out at my favorite spot I remembered the conversations we had there. I had the same emotional instability of when I was sixteen.
But I swear those were my very last tears. We wrote an amazing real life fairy tale, and our love story could make Shakespeare roll over in his grave. Every page we turned and every chapter we finished was memorable and relevant. With you I lived the craziest and happiest tales, the saddest moments, and the most incredible stories. It is safe to say that you are the love of my life. I will never forget you and I will be forever thankful for all you did to me. You are the greatest person I ever met; with you I became a better man and a better human being. I wish nothing but the best for you, my dearest, and I hope I had half the impact in your life as you had in mine.
My life is an open book of nonsense. My life with you was a book that made so much sense. Now, all questions have been answered, all issues have been resolved, and our past is definitely behind us. We wrote the most amazing book, which I now close. It will be there, in a special spot in my heart. Maybe I will read it again someday, but our story is over. Our book has been closed. This is goodbye, and I’m at peace. I will always love you and je ne regrette rien.

Cheers to the future
-A.R.

How do I measure a year?

"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes     Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear     Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes     How do you measure, measure a year?"
- Jonathan Larson, Rent 

I start the first post of 2014 with this awesome song from one of my favorite musicals. It asks a great question, “How do you measure a year?”   
I personally don’t have a definite answer. A lot of things happened in 2013 and they will stay there, they define that year, and I will remember them as the stuff that made up a year in my life. I guess I could take a look back and reflect what the significant events in my life were in 2013 and see how I’d measure it.
As a fan, I have to note what happened in music this year that made a difference in my life… Agnetha released a new album and new music videos, and she performed live on stage for the first time in 25 years. Cher released her first album in 12 years and announced a new tour, which is coming my way in April. Lady Gaga Opened the VMA’s with her first ever performance of “Applause” and later on released her much anticipate album ARTPOP. Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton reunited for a new duet, which has been nominated for a Grammy. All of that was documented in super-excited posts here in my blog. All those listed above, and a few more, served as the soundtrack to my life in 2013.
The previous year, 2012, was measured mostly by trips I went on, new places I visited, and special personal milestones, but this last year was extremely different. Because I traveled a lot in 2012, looking back and comparing it to 2013 made it seem like I didn't do much. But I did, if I really think about it; I went to Mexico, and Las Vegas, as well as Michigan, Kansas and Oklahoma, all new places for me, and I also revisited Missouri during spring break. But the year as a whole was more about personal growth and inner exploration. I got to reconnect with people from my past, strengthen my connections with those present in my life, and even share my house with friends I had met online many years ago. It was also the first year I spent away from my mother (who lives in Brazil now), and that was definitely something to get used to. Relearning the whole family dynamics thing was definitely something I struggled with pretty much all year. I also did some spiritual searching, but not as much as I wanted or needed; my relationship with God was at a comfortable stand-by, and I’d explore it deeply for a while then leave it alone for months, which I considered playing safe. My personal relationships with people in my life also took unexpected turns… I had people I loved and cared about walk away from me due to circumstances that were (for the most part) out of our control. And there were people from my past who I thought I’d never see again that became such an important part of the past year that I can’t reflect back without thinking about them. Most interesting of all, perhaps, were the friends from my “outer circles”, like friends of friends and/or people I knew but didn't have a relationship with, becoming an integral part of my everyday life. It’s crazy to look back and see how much you grow just from little interactions with people… and then there were the intense conversations with old friends, exploring the deepest thoughts in our minds and even resolving past issues that threatened to be consistent in the future.
So all in all, it was an extremely productive year, one in which I learned more about myself and those around me than I thought I could, which makes me excited to see what more we can accomplish just by being there for each other. On top of it all 2013 was the year I met Shania Twain – this HAD to be noted. And I wrote on my blog in a fairly consistent manner, which was a big personal accomplishment.I could say I’d measure 2013 by interactions… conversations I had, fights I fought, thoughts I discussed, issues I resolved, questions I raised, and perhaps most importantly the answers I got. There were good times and there were bad times, some I wish I could relive and some I wish I could forget and although there are some regrets and some apologies that were never made, I would not have done it any other way.